Gaida,Grida

October 29 2006

A Finding (might be Fine-ending) week

    It's been a weird, exhausting but meaningful week: started with a horrible nightmare that I don't even wanna talk about. The vivid dream raised my anxiety and made me doubt and judge myself. Actually I don't make a intimate friend in college though we shared a room and I tried so hard. There's always so much distance between us. So every time I need to speak out something in the bottom of my heart, I turn to my sister or my old friends. Thank god I got a sister who understands me better than anyone else in the world. And I really appreciate that when I saw my old buddies just feel so warm even they don't say a single word.
    I took an intern interview on Tuesday which runs very smooth thanks to Xiao L, which means from now on, every Tuesday afternoon, Wednesday, Friday morning I'll be in Lippo Square to be her assistant. That evening I met my elder sister Yiking, we talked a lot, on realtionships, career/study, family, something I've never told anyone before in my whole life, choked on tears for a few times but it just feels so comfortable to let things out. Even things never change, at least you are sitting here, taking about it, alive---so that won't be a big deal for you anymore.
    Wednesday, paid a visit to Songjiang.(SISU and ECUPL). Impressed by the space and buildings. Enjoyed the happy hour in KTV also.
    Thursday, might be too tired and lack of sleep, caught a fever. Missed all 6 classes. Laid in bed for whole day.
    Friday. Went to the school hospital for the 1st time. The experience made me sick. I swear I'll never step into a hospital unless I' m gonna die.
    Saturday. USST 100st anniversary. Fine food. Cute tiny little buildings. The Starlike bulbs on trees are gorgeous at night.
    Everyone I met this week, I owed you all.You guys save me the expense for psychotherapy again. Never have I known how to cherish, but I'll start learning from this moment on.

It's really hard for me to admit something. Might be weakness, fear, regret or sth makes me
feel ashamed. I used to be strong or pretend to be. I used to solve my own problems when I fail to do it I feel depressed even desperate. I don't know how to say "sorry I'm wrong" even I know I'm the one who screwed up. I don't know how to express the real me inside to others. Every time I give a fake smile, I feel safe but frustrated. I don't know how to believe in some common things that most people seem to believe. Gradually I lose the power to trust ---might be my fear to be cheated or be hurt, might be I'm just overprotected by myself. I don't wanna blame my family. Parents are among the things you can never pick up. I just wanna, like Julie Delpy said in Before Sunset, I just want to find something can be fixed, than fix it. That will be my motto for a long time, I think,and I just wanna tell myself:

    Try to trust something worth trusting. Don't let stubborn blind your eyes. Never regard it as a compromise or giving up, which might be just a better way to handle the conflicts between the world, the others and you.
    If it's meaningless to figure something out, don’t even try to do so.
    Don't force yourself to recover from something. When damage is done, the hurt inside can never be healed. Certain time are needed to get used to that pain before you feel nothing for it.
    Never envy other's situation, you only stand in your own shoes; never beg for other's understanding, every situation stands only one person a time.
    Don't protect yourself too much to limit your footsteps.
    Dare not to do something only for fear of making mistakes is the biggest mistake in the world.
    Release your fingers holding the past tight, and then you can touch the future.

Snapshots: Chase my foodstesp across the city.

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